HELLO, FALL.

Was summer even here? I felt like I was asleep for most of it. Or at least, in the late afternoons for the days I had long morning shifts at work. and that was it. Work. all i did was work. if it wasn't work, it was sleep. if it wasn't sleep, it was wandering around the house with my cellphone attached to my hand and my eyes searching for food. And if it wasn't any of that, it became lonely. When i decided to take it easy this summer by not taking any summer courses, i didn't think it would comprise of my summer existence knees deep in coffee aroma and sleepy eyelids. i mean, don't get me wrong, i loved working in the beginning of the summer. i loved spending time with my coworkers and chatting with the regulars but as time passed, my desires for adventure and thrill became more vivid. so, i started to pick apart all the bad things about work and myself. I hated myself for doing that. In fact, i don't even know why i did that to myself. I purposely let myself fall into a place i should've stayed away from but i didn't stop myself. I let myself fall into the abyss. And it slowly swallowed me whole. The last few weeks of summer was tough. I felt so alone and sad all the time. I felt that my coworkers didn't care if i was there or not. I felt that my friends didn't care enough to ask how I was doing. I felt that my family was in their own worlds to be able to notice that mine was ripping apart. It scares me to think what my year's going to look like. This is my final year of university and i am petrified. I have always felt alone on campus and its not like I want to. But it's hard. It's hard to tell myself over and over that things will be better and that I have to try in order to feel and be better. But it's hard, especially now when my classes are alot smaller and therefore, alot more intimidating than it used to be. So as much as I am grateful summer is over, I do worry what Fall will bring into my life. But i am not giving up on being the best that i can be, despite the struggles i know will come my way. Until I have more to update on, I'll see you soon. xx

WAKE ME UP IN WONDERLAND

Haven't you wished that? To wake up in Wonderland? Not Alice's Wonderland but your wonderland. The place where everything that could go wrong doesn't. It's a picture perfect place and it is hard not to wish for that. Lately, I have been wishing for my wonderland. I don't know what it looks like or where it could be but that is what I keep searching for. I want to believe that maybe this world or this city that I have inhabited is my wonderland. But then I see everything around me and it is nothing but dread and sadness. It is not just the recent atrocities that has been occurring here on earth but my own personal downfalls that really seals the deal. I am by no means making this ludicrous comparison between the world's falling with mine but when your existence lies only in one person and body, I think it is safe to say you can't help but worry about your own problems. sometimes. You see, I am someone who tends to be extra sensitive to things concerning me and my family. If it is something I dislike then I will make sure you know it. If it doesn't make sense to me, then I won't want to make sense of it. I can be self-absorbed and selfish and ignorant of other people's problems but I try. I mean, I try really hard to understand everyone around me. Cause that is just who I am and despite this hard persona I try to display, it never works out. But you see, that's where it gets tricky. I get lost sometimes. I can't find a way out of this multifaceted construct I've build for myself. I want to be like this person or I want to behave this way but then, the next day I am someone different. Wake me up in Wonderland because maybe I'll know who I am there.

Mary

BREATHE IN | BREATHE OUT

A few days ago, a friend of mine said something that really stuck to me. "I want to be happy for me. I don't want to do things that don't make me happy." Hearing this, it really made me take a breath and really understand those words. She doesn't know the problems I have in my life but then again, I don't know all of hers. And I think that by hearing something like that even though it wasn't meant for me, it really opened my eyes. I have to breathe in and then eventually, breathe out. I have been breathing in all of the stressors and problems that has gotten me to where I am today that it has depleted me all of my lust, my energy, my motivations. If I want to change, if I want to actually be happy then I have to fight for it. And ever since that day, I have been trying. I have taken many walks and had many laughs with my friends and family that it isn't so bad any more. Yes, I haven't confronted the problems that I have mentally and emotionally but I'm getting there. It won't be easy to get out of the horrid past I have been living in but I'm trying. Because in the end, I have the options in defining my life. And that means, I have the option to leave from the bad and enter the good. I have a friend who hasn't been the greatest friend in the world. She hasn't made any effort, it seems to reconnect with me or to want to be part of my life any longer and before, I was angry. I hated how she chose to give a lack of interest in our hang outs. But now, all that negativity that I had gathered because of her, it isn't necessary at all. So now, I choose to leave that friendship and whenever she decides to come back, I'll be there. But right now, I can't keep believing that she won't bail out the next time we make plans. I have my life to figure out, not anyone else's. I have family to take care of, my future to keep at length and my dreams back into reality.

HERE COMES THE HURRICANE

Sometimes thinking about your past is tough. I've been there many times and it's hard to overcome the mistakes and regrets still lingering overhead. But I think that to get better, I must fight. But fighting seems easy saying it but is it? I mean, I tell myself everyday that things will look better, be better and my life will be ok. But it's hard when you're thrust into a hurricane and you can't stop spinning and twisting and soon, you can torn. So if I tell myself to fight, then I better do a hell of a job because saying it isn't going to do anything. I know I'm strong. I've been in many tough situations and I overcame them. So yeah, this problem, issue, whatever I want to call it, it's consuming me but like a hurricane, it eventually passes. And then, I'll be free. I may not come out as the person I used to be but I don't think we are all meant to still be the same person we were years ago. We change and we adapt. So yeah I am in the middle of my own hurricane but it'll inevitably get better because sooner or later, it will end.

LOST IN TRANSITION

I don't understand anything that happens around me. Most of the time anyways. Like how I don't understand why my best friend of 14 years decides to ignore me yet we still have each other on social media sites. I don't understand how friends I have been so close to and actually trusted turn out to be people who use and abuse that friendship over and over again. I don't understand why my parents always fought every day, driving me to my music. I don't understand why they had to ruin everything for me and my brother and sister and ultimately had a divorce. I don't get it. None of it. I don't understand why I do half the things I do and did. Like how I got in trouble, police trouble when I was 14 years old. What was worse was dragging my sister into it. I don't understand why I am always sad all the time. Like how I always cry at night where noone can see or hear. I don't understand why I am always mad or jealous at the world, especially those who appear so happy with their lives when I'm not. I did understand the innocence when I was just a little kid and I would take charge of my life everyday, doing things I loved doing. So why did that change? That's what I don't understand. It's hard to look at who I've become because it's a version of myself I hate. I hate not being happy, I hate being mad at everyone around me. I wish for and desire for things I can never have because I believe that it is only my dreams that can satisfy me. I'm afraid to live in reality. I'm afraid to let anyone in because of the many that has left me, by myself and without security. If I could understand what is happening to me right now, I would. Truly. My heart hurts. And it's strange. It's a strange feeling. I wish, oh I wish I could ask my old best friend why we left things unexplained. Was it because of our different schools or lives that lead to that? I want to ask my parents how it got that far or has love never been a factor for them at all? I want to ask myself why I'm so careless and impulsive to cause hurt not only to myself but to others I cared about. Lastly, I want to ask my own heart if it can change and try to find whatever path I must take in order so I can have my happiness again. But there are so many things I do not understand about this world and about my place here. I just don't understand it at all. But I'm trying.