LOST IN TRANSITION

I don't understand anything that happens around me. Most of the time anyways. Like how I don't understand why my best friend of 14 years decides to ignore me yet we still have each other on social media sites. I don't understand how friends I have been so close to and actually trusted turn out to be people who use and abuse that friendship over and over again. I don't understand why my parents always fought every day, driving me to my music. I don't understand why they had to ruin everything for me and my brother and sister and ultimately had a divorce. I don't get it. None of it. I don't understand why I do half the things I do and did. Like how I got in trouble, police trouble when I was 14 years old. What was worse was dragging my sister into it. I don't understand why I am always sad all the time. Like how I always cry at night where noone can see or hear. I don't understand why I am always mad or jealous at the world, especially those who appear so happy with their lives when I'm not. I did understand the innocence when I was just a little kid and I would take charge of my life everyday, doing things I loved doing. So why did that change? That's what I don't understand. It's hard to look at who I've become because it's a version of myself I hate. I hate not being happy, I hate being mad at everyone around me. I wish for and desire for things I can never have because I believe that it is only my dreams that can satisfy me. I'm afraid to live in reality. I'm afraid to let anyone in because of the many that has left me, by myself and without security. If I could understand what is happening to me right now, I would. Truly. My heart hurts. And it's strange. It's a strange feeling. I wish, oh I wish I could ask my old best friend why we left things unexplained. Was it because of our different schools or lives that lead to that? I want to ask my parents how it got that far or has love never been a factor for them at all? I want to ask myself why I'm so careless and impulsive to cause hurt not only to myself but to others I cared about. Lastly, I want to ask my own heart if it can change and try to find whatever path I must take in order so I can have my happiness again. But there are so many things I do not understand about this world and about my place here. I just don't understand it at all. But I'm trying.